our embyros

2 days ago i had 2 blastocysts (one was a early blastocyst) transferred! Its not often in my 15 transfers that I’ve ever reached blastocyst. With DH they often slowed on day 4/5

and my lining was 8mm!! finally its cooperating and i didn’t need to take 1 lining drug!

doc was surprised that a lot of my eggs were immature when in the past they are generally ok with my previous specialists. He didn’t give a reason.

BETA is Easter Saturday (15th April) my nans birthday! (my EPU was also the day my nan passed away 6 years ago. I’m probably looking for signs but I’m hoping she is looking down on us helping.

please please please let this be it. we need off this rollercoaster!

 

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The past year + egg pick up #11

where do i start to fill you in on the last year. I’ll try to give a short run down as if i wrote about everything thats happen I’m sure everyone would get very bored and depressed.

So..This time last year i finally after 5 years had a blastocyst to transfer but then all of a sudden my lignin stops growing so i had failed transfer after failed transfer ! – doctors then told me i needed an egg donor, sperm donor and a surrogate. I had put on 10kg from all the hormones and steroids and looked and felt like shit.

This is when i fell apart.

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Taking a break from ivf to heal emotionally

Ive on a rapid decline emotionally the last few weeks. It started one night when i woke in the middle of the night with a panic attack. I dealt with an anxiety disorder for over 10 years in my 20’s and it was such a horrible thing to go thru, it stripped me of living my life so much that I’ve always feared it coming back. So when i felt that panic again so strong, I think it gave me such a fright and i started worrying. I tried to push it aside and went to see my old specialist for a second opinion on my lining not thickening anymore. Well he said that he thought i really needed another laparoscopy to check for scarring and infection & endo. Made sense, but gosh how much do i need to go thru. That would be my 4th laparoscopy. I was scheduled for that next week, but have since cancelled it as i really haven’t been coping well at all.  The specialist also seemed to think i could do another EPU with a new sperm donor as he noticed the FSH dose was so high on the last EPU and that could be why i had bad fertilising last cycle. He also thought it best i try a younger donor. I’m still undecided on all that.

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to share or not to share? nah

I’ve recently started to share my blog with a few close friends, that i trust with my heart, that have supported us thru the years of infertility and also on my twitter page, but have still felt unsure about sharing it with any others, as I’ve been worried about how i would be perceived because of how depressing I come across as I use this blog to vent and find it hard to be positive these days. Hope is what used to drive me to keep getting back up and keep trying, but the odds are too low now, there has been too many problems one after another for so long, my hope is gone and the mountain feels too big to climb anymore, what I’ve always feared is now reality.

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quote

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence… for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”

-Laura Bush

Prednisone – Satans tic tacs

So I’m the first to admit I haven’t been so nice to be around lately.

I may or may not have yelled at my loving husband in the street after my last appointment when he told me to calm down (who ever calms down, when they are told to calm down anyway??), then i may have contemplated walking in front of a speeding car, then I may have went to Mcdonalds to stuff my face with crap i never eat, only to notice notice blood coming down my arm from my blood test because of blood thinners I’m on and then burst into tears in front of everyone, like a complete nutcase… and i may have lost my ability to string words together while talking to my mum on the phone  to only have every second word come out of my mouth….and I may have cried uncontrollably for 15mins last night, whilst trying not to throw up, because i had to kill a mouse that was in my house (I felt so bad but they are my biggest fear EVER!!)

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I’m so tired. Cancelled another FET

On Thursday we cancelled another FET transfer. My lining still hadn’t got past 5.7, despite taking around 20 days of so many types of drugs. If theres one positive though its that my doctor doesn’t charge us for his time.
I’m at a loss what to do next. I am so tired. So depressed. Yet I don’t know how to give up as thats just means more depression.
Ive spent the last few days just crying (even out in public), having angry fits (also out in public), thinking horrible thoughts, filled with anxiety, barely sleeping. It scares me that i might have to live with this feeling of sadness my whole life. I don’t know if i could. If there is one thing children give you it is a sense of the future. Yet mine feels so empty, lonely & sad. I’ve had to unfollow many people on my Facebook. It just hurts so much to see certain things right now.  Yet then i feel guilty for doing so as i don’t want people to think i am not happy for them. Infertility hits you in so many different ways.

Egg donation
Ive enquired about a program where they bring over south african egg donors. It would cost 28k. But eh whats more money.  But its a little controversial and new at the moment…Or maybe we could find someone else international & fly them here, this might cost maybe $20k? Or we could ask some friends to put the word out here and it might be more like $15k.

Sperm Donor
I’m frustrated that I was maybe considering 1 more egg pick up, yes i’m crazy, but I’ve never done a cycle will just a sperm donor, we have always mixed it up with DH & hardly been left with any embryos.. anyway I was thinking about doing another EPU, but I can’t because we have 2 frozen embryos from a donor already.. so they wont give us access to another donor before I use those others… in the meantime, I’m just getting older and older. So my doc told me to get the donor coordinators to talk to him.. so fingers cross there… mind you i really don’t know even if i have the energy for another one.

Surrogacy / Lining
Not sure what to do here. I’m just hoping in some way my lining will improve as i never used to have a problem with it. I just don’t know how i feel about doing embryo adoption AND surrogacy.. let alone know how on earth Id make it happen. My doc wants me to do some experimental trials where he takes platelets from my blood and puts them in my uterus as 1 recent study showed that it created cell growth. And that one study, used 7 girls who had lining problems before and all 6 got their lining over >7 & 5 got pregnant & one MC.. May as well give it a go.

I’m also going to go back to another specialist I’ve seen before and get his advice on my lining.

Have also been trying to look for things to do to add more meaning & joy into my life. Am looking into some volunteering work (not sure what though, maybe visiting old lonely people) want to do blood donation, but from what I’ve read you can’t donate while doing ivf… also waiting to hear when i can get into this pottery course… and have some thoughts on taking up the piano again.

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My life – chaos

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the needles i took.. FOR NOTHING

exactly how hard & long must one try??

So. today, 5 days after my last scan showing that my lining was 5.7mm  & after i took trental, viagra, sandrena gel, raspberry leaf tea, heat packs, aspirin, gonal f, clexane, letrazole, feldene, prendisone, did 5hrs of intralipds, + many vitamins everyday.. i went in for another scan and it was 5.6mm (CD 14).. wtf!! WTF! its gone backwards.

So the doc added estroderm patches & progynova & upped the gonal … so basically yeh I’m doing a full ivf cycle pretty much drug wise (for the 12th time!) exactly what i didn’t want to do.. but what do you do, cancel now, or throw more at it? So I went and I paid out another $250 on drugs.

The one good thing, if you can look at it as a good thing, is that i wasn’t close to ovulating so we still have time to hope it improves.. but I’m not liking the chances going off past responses & not liking the fact i’ll take all those drugs, pay all that money, spent all that time probably for nothing…. i need to go rescan in another 5 days. Seriously after almost 4 years of this & 15 transfers & constant hurdles I am so drained. I have tried everything. Seen 5 different specialists – the best of the best, urologists, naturopaths, acupuncturists, researched this endlessly, tried every drug out there, had 3 uterine scratches, 2 painful uterine biopsies, numerous hours spent doing intralipids, endless cans and blood tests, done 10 egg up ups, had 3 laparoscopies,  we have lived and breathed it for way too long.

Like firstly going thru that many cycles isn’t enough.. but they still can’t be sure what is the cause exactly, which drags the whole process out and makes moving to donor all the harder to accept… like that isn’t enough… but then we have to grieve the fact we have to use a sperm donor, even picking a sperm donor is painful… then also start to grieve the fact our child most likely  will not be biologically related at all to us, as we probably need an egg donor also and also try to get our heads around even how to get a egg donor in australia & how you can’t choose one, they have to offer you & all the emotion brings that up, not knowing these people and inviting them into your life etc etc.. to then be now also told my uterus is screwed and i may need a surrogate also.. when for years it used to be perfect!! WHY?!! and like how am i even meant to find a surrogate in australia?!! Theres something like 30 australia wide. It serious feels like i am meant to give up. The odds are way to against us.

The doctor talks about these experimental lining treatments i could do.. but this far in I am just too drained. Just even having to go into appointments & blood tests at 5 am in the morning and time and time again adds up. Its exhausting and i have TRIED SO F**%%$ HARD. IVE BEEN DOING MEDICAL TREATMENT FOR YEARS! it Would be just my luck i’d do all the experimental stuff to then have my  only 2 average grade embryos not even thaw. Yes I’m negative ..positive thinking hasn’t worked for me either. i tried that too 🙂

Also adding to my pain is the lack of support. I basically didn’t sleep last night because i was already anxious about getting my results today, but then other things on Facebook that i felt insensitive upset me. Just feel our pain is invisible to the people that are supposed to care most & that just adds to all this too.

I feel at breaking point.. yet i have done for a long time now. some how i keep going? why? because i just don’t know how to give up on this..  yet it feels like I’m meant to give up. we NEED to give up.. its killing us.. its starting to now stress our marriage and making life unbearable.. But how do i.. i can’t see how i will ever feel happy in life without a family. Family gives you so much in life. it IS life. Its a MASSIVE thing to lose. Everywhere i look there is people looking happy and proud of their families, doing family things.. Its what their life is all about..So how do you give up on that dream & feel at peace? yes maybe in some miracle way i might be able to do embryo donation and surrogacy one day.. but i just don’t have the drive for that.. it feels so incredibly hard and I’m incredibly tired and all the unknown aspects of donor / surrogacy and un-normallcy is so daunting. It doesn’t excite me or fill me with hope, like it seems to with others.

anyway.. i guess my choices right now are to drown myself in depression has i have all day today.. or try some how to pick myself up yet again. so that is what i shall try to do and hope one day it will be my turn.

Attempting another FET

I’m currently 12 days into a Frozen embryo cycle. I went for a scan 2 days ago and it showed my lining was thinner then it should be (5.7m). They like it to be over 7mm to do a transfer. The doc put a doppler on an artery in my uterus and it showed that my blood supply to my uterus is low, so that is probably the reason for it to be thin. He said it could be from my septum operation and or getting a low grade infection and it causing scaring. Kinda pisses me off since I wasn’t aware having the operation could do that and in turn mean i can never carry a child 😦 like we need more issues. Seems like endless hurdles.

Anyways.. he increased medications (yay, not) and i need to go back in a few days to see if its improved.

Im also trying raspberry leaf tea & pomegranate juice to help with lining. Also I got DH some new fertility powder from a naturopath again.

In other news – I’ve lost around 7 kg in 11 weeks from the 5:2 diet. I was losing 1kg a week, but i seem to have plateaued and now I’m back on steriods etc so that will be having an effect.. but so happy  i lost some weight as it was really getting me down.

oh and the clinic sent another $240 bill for another 6mths frozen embryo storage, even though i hope to be using them next week. ugh. constant bills.