So. today, 5 days after my last scan showing that my lining was 5.7mm & after i took trental, viagra, sandrena gel, raspberry leaf tea, heat packs, aspirin, gonal f, clexane, letrazole, feldene, prendisone, did 5hrs of intralipds, + many vitamins everyday.. i went in for another scan and it was 5.6mm (CD 14).. wtf!! WTF! its gone backwards.
So the doc added estroderm patches & progynova & upped the gonal … so basically yeh I’m doing a full ivf cycle pretty much drug wise (for the 12th time!) exactly what i didn’t want to do.. but what do you do, cancel now, or throw more at it? So I went and I paid out another $250 on drugs.
The one good thing, if you can look at it as a good thing, is that i wasn’t close to ovulating so we still have time to hope it improves.. but I’m not liking the chances going off past responses & not liking the fact i’ll take all those drugs, pay all that money, spent all that time probably for nothing…. i need to go rescan in another 5 days. Seriously after almost 4 years of this & 15 transfers & constant hurdles I am so drained. I have tried everything. Seen 5 different specialists – the best of the best, urologists, naturopaths, acupuncturists, researched this endlessly, tried every drug out there, had 3 uterine scratches, 2 painful uterine biopsies, numerous hours spent doing intralipids, endless cans and blood tests, done 10 egg up ups, had 3 laparoscopies, we have lived and breathed it for way too long.
Like firstly going thru that many cycles isn’t enough.. but they still can’t be sure what is the cause exactly, which drags the whole process out and makes moving to donor all the harder to accept… like that isn’t enough… but then we have to grieve the fact we have to use a sperm donor, even picking a sperm donor is painful… then also start to grieve the fact our child most likely will not be biologically related at all to us, as we probably need an egg donor also and also try to get our heads around even how to get a egg donor in australia & how you can’t choose one, they have to offer you & all the emotion brings that up, not knowing these people and inviting them into your life etc etc.. to then be now also told my uterus is screwed and i may need a surrogate also.. when for years it used to be perfect!! WHY?!! and like how am i even meant to find a surrogate in australia?!! Theres something like 30 australia wide. It serious feels like i am meant to give up. The odds are way to against us.
The doctor talks about these experimental lining treatments i could do.. but this far in I am just too drained. Just even having to go into appointments & blood tests at 5 am in the morning and time and time again adds up. Its exhausting and i have TRIED SO F**%%$ HARD. IVE BEEN DOING MEDICAL TREATMENT FOR YEARS! it Would be just my luck i’d do all the experimental stuff to then have my only 2 average grade embryos not even thaw. Yes I’m negative ..positive thinking hasn’t worked for me either. i tried that too 🙂
Also adding to my pain is the lack of support. I basically didn’t sleep last night because i was already anxious about getting my results today, but then other things on Facebook that i felt insensitive upset me. Just feel our pain is invisible to the people that are supposed to care most & that just adds to all this too.
I feel at breaking point.. yet i have done for a long time now. some how i keep going? why? because i just don’t know how to give up on this.. yet it feels like I’m meant to give up. we NEED to give up.. its killing us.. its starting to now stress our marriage and making life unbearable.. But how do i.. i can’t see how i will ever feel happy in life without a family. Family gives you so much in life. it IS life. Its a MASSIVE thing to lose. Everywhere i look there is people looking happy and proud of their families, doing family things.. Its what their life is all about..So how do you give up on that dream & feel at peace? yes maybe in some miracle way i might be able to do embryo donation and surrogacy one day.. but i just don’t have the drive for that.. it feels so incredibly hard and I’m incredibly tired and all the unknown aspects of donor / surrogacy and un-normallcy is so daunting. It doesn’t excite me or fill me with hope, like it seems to with others.
anyway.. i guess my choices right now are to drown myself in depression has i have all day today.. or try some how to pick myself up yet again. so that is what i shall try to do and hope one day it will be my turn.